Changing Expectations (Eros/Mano)

Quills usually didn't break, especially ones of the quality Mano tended to buy. The smudge and scratch on his newest order for coffee beans proved that, although they didn't usually break, they sometimes did. An ugly, scraggly end on his quill pressed against the parchment, while the tip was...well...it must have been in the room. He put the quill down and buried his face in his hands. Fingers that had gone months without a tan threaded into blond hair.

Mano was in his study. It wasn't quite an office; wasn't large enough to be one. It was set off from the master bedroom and had another wonderful view of the beach(buying a house with two views of the ocean had been an adventure), and although it was small, there was plenty of room for a large desk, shelves, cabinets, anything he might need to keep track of what had become a chain of shops.

And though the study was used for his work, that wasn't what had caused him to break a quill. The night before, just like many other nights over the past months and years, had been spent out with his husband and a group of friends. Another night where he had been unable to show any affection toward Eros. While he'd always known their relationship would require secrecy and subtlety, and while he'd accepted, or even enjoyed, it for a time, seeing his friends do things he couldn't had started to weigh on him. Was it really so much to want to hold the man's hand? To give him a quick kiss? To dance at a club as they had both danced with other men in the past?

The quill was digging into the parchment.

It wasn't something he could ever tell Eros. The man valued his reputation and Society mask so much... Mano shook his head, tossed the quill, and picked up another one, unaware of how long he'd been tucked away at the desk.

Eros had seen to his own responsibilities hours ago, and curiosity set in. What could possibly be taking Mano so long? Eros set aside his book at last and stood, lightly smoothing his waistcoat into place. His shoes clicked softly on the hardwood floors, then stopped outside a closed door. He rapped on the frame.

"Mano?" he called. "Are you quite all right?" He hoped it wasn't bad news. Things had been going so smoothly lately that he'd been considering pressing his parents for more open support.

For a moment, Mano simply didn't respond. He neither moved nor spoke, though he knew Eros would never miss such a thing. Then he was up and moving toward the door only a few steps away. He smoothed the wrinkles in his shirt in an unconscious mirror of Eros, but forgot about his disheveled hair until the last moment. As he opened the door with one hand, the other combed a side of his hair.

"Of course," he said upon opening the door. "Some figures are just refusing to add up properly." The hand at his hair dropped, and it was only then he realized he likely wasn't as convincing as he liked to think he was. His eyes had started at Eros' shoes, and the trip up the man's body felt as though it had a number of reasons. Eros was handsome. Eros was sexy. Eros was the most important warm object that had Mano's love. Eros was dignified. Eros had all the makings of the perfect Society male. Eros didn't like Mano to make the feelings public.

"I see," Eros said mildly. Mano had become easier to read over the course of their marriage and Eros wondered if his husband was ready yet to talk about whatever had been bothering him lately. "Come, you need a break." He offered his arm, a habit that felt perfectly comfortable with Mano. Hand holding felt juvenile and didn't come naturally.

For just a moment, Mano considered refusing, and although he hoped it was a short enough pause to be ignored, he knew Eros would catch it. So he took the arm. Secluding himself after a direct invitation would only add to any suspicions, and that wasn't what he needed. "Perhaps they'll work out tomorrow," he said as the door swung shut behind them, all the while knowing it wouldn't fool his husband. A man with such a good mask was always good at picking apart others'.

"Perhaps," Eros agreed. "You know, I've been wondering lately if you're getting everything you need." Yes, he'd just become painfully direct. The study door was closed and he had Mano in his grasp. The man could only hide so much before talking would actually become easier than trying to remain pleasant.

"Will you tell me," he asked, "or shall I torment it out of you?"

Although Mano's eyes flickered briefly toward Eros, he didn't immediately speak. It would be easier to simply say it, but when had he ever been willing to give up something like that? He'd fought for years to avoid expressing anything resembling his feelings, even been completely unaware of them, what was another few minutes? "It isn't anything I can't deal with on my own," he said, even if that wasn't a proper answer to Eros'....did it even count as a question? "No need for torment."

"Still, I'd prefer if you did tell me." Eros led Mano in a slow, meandering walk down the hallway. "I deplore seeing you so out of sorts," he said, "and I'd like you to be happy, even if it inconveniences me." There was a bit of a tease to that last bit. "Have I kept you to myself too much?" It was something he worried about from time to time. As far as he was aware, Mano slept almost exclusively with him. He preferred it that way, but marriage required compromise.

I'd like you to be happy, even if it inconveniences me. Was that the problem? Mano tried as well as he could to keep things to Eros' standards. Although he slipped up every now and again when talking about his significant other, he never spoke Eros' name, and he tried as hard as he could to deny that the man he was living with was his husband. He didn't know how effective it all was, but he tried, and that counted, right?

And yet he wanted to be able to be more open. The thrill of having the secret had died for him, but he couldn't bring himself to suggest anything else. And then he realized he had been silent for too long. "No," he said, then repeated it. "No, you haven't. From the beginning you accepted that part of me, and then I accepted what you expected of me." He was silent for a moment. "And that all sounds far too much like a tongue-twister to make any kind of sense."

Eros gave Mano's words a great deal of thought. The better he could read between the lines, the less he'd have to force out of Mano. Mano wasn't always able to put his feelings to words anyway, and as words were Eros's forté, he didn't mind the effort.

"What is it that you believe I expect of you?" Eros asked. Perhaps he'd been rigid in some other way. It didn't occur to him that it might be the metaphorically closet they lived in. That made sense to him. That was a bit of Society that he'd held onto, even after deciding it was worth letting go.

"To keep us quiet, mostly," Mano said. Or well, that was the current issue, so surely that was all Eros would need to know. There were other expectations, but nothing that bothered him. Other things that were likely simply normal parts of being in a relationship, but it was his sacrifice, much like Eros' was to accept Mano sometimes had other partners. The number of times he did so was very small now, and it had been consistently decreasing over the years. "It's selfish, but I've gotten tired."

Eros gave a low hum of thought and nodded lightly. They'd made it to the living room with its broad Windows and soothing view and he took a moment to look unseeing over the water. Mano was feeling confined. He supposed it made sense. When had Mano been penned in by anything? Never, really. The man had always done what he'd wanted and had never gotten more than a slap on the wrist as punishment. He didn't need much more. He knew where the line was.

Eros's lines were much narrower. He'd taken much less freedom and had been taking it for far fewer years. He'd known what he could be giving up in marrying Mano and had decided quite firmly that it was worth it. Then their parents hadn't immediately disowned them and he'd seen a chance to have it all. Keep things quiet and lose nothing.

Yes, he needed to bend. He hadn't expected to rein Mano in so tightly, but it had come naturally and Mano had cooperated with little complaint. He looked aside at his husband, still thinking.

"How out would be out enough?" he asked. "I'm willing to attempt to be more openly affectionate, but I'm afraid my limits hold firm as far as Society is concerned. How does outside Society sound? Would that work to begin with?"

Mano's eyes flickered to the side at Eros and his weight shifted unconsciously toward the warmth next to him. "It would be naive to think of it like that," he said. "If we are more open in any way, it's only a matter of time before it reaches Society." Sure, they could start outside of Society, but there were just as many members who ran in outside circles as who didn't, and it wouldn't take long for suspicions to build and then be confirmed.

"I'm aware of that," Eros said, "which is why I haven't pushed myself thus far, but one of the many reasons I love yylou is that willingness to thumb your nose at the rules when it suits you. I admire that." Which brought something else to mind, but surely Mano wouldn't be interested.

"Tell me," he began carefully, "and set aside our previous conversation for a moment." He gave a near imperceptible pause before going on, keeping his thoughts closely guarded. "What kinds of experience do you have outside Society? Far outside Society? Say, with Muggles and the like?"

"Very little, to be honest," Mano said. While there were some muggles involved in getting supplies for his shops, there were others who dealt with them. Why did wizards have to be so much more interested in dragon blood than coffee beans? "The most time I've spent around muggles would probably be when on holiday with you." Even then, it wasn't focused.